He is the God who sees!

As the wife of a pastor, going through difficult times can get even “trickier”.
My faith walk is certainly on display for all to see. My words, actions and emotions are there for others to observe whether that results in admiration or disdain. Due to this, it is difficult to allow myself to be transparent. I seem to be concerned about who sees.

Like everyone else, I battle with my own humanness. At times, struggling to submit my will to God’s will. Recently, my struggle has been with forgiveness and the emotions that occur when you hang on to an offense too long. For me, the temptation is to push it down and hope it goes away. That temptation is ignorant. I realize I must tackle this head on. Where does a person go when their flesh and spirit battle with one another? Of course God, but also it is usually to their church and other believers. I am not always able to share. This is because I am also concerned about who doesn’t see, or who ultimately doesn’t understand.

I happened to be visiting my sister out of town on Mother’s Day and was able to visit her church. I was hurting so badly that weekend still processing things in my mind. Mother’s Day sermons are typically about mothering, but not this one. Yes, it honored mothers but mostly it spoke to the heart of women. More specifically, it spoke to my heart as if the words were coming straight from the mouth of God. Being a fairly private person, I struggled to keep my composure as the tears fell during the sermon. The speaker’s message was about holding onto unforgiveness and bitterness. The words she spoke over and over were that “He is the God that sees you”.

You see, I felt isolated and alone. I needed to know that in spite of what others believed to be true about my situation, God knew what was true. What had been done to my family was wrong. It was unjust and unfair. As a Christian, I knew better than to try to return evil for evil, to gossip or seek revenge. My only option was to forgive and I hadn’t been ready to do that.

In this church, no one knew me or my story. When it came time to pray at the altar, I was the first one out of my seat. I did not hesitate or look around to see if anyone was going. The message that day had been so clear, so specifically for me. To not go forward would have only been due to pride and ultimately disobedience. No, this moment was a gift from God to me. It was a time to cry unashamedly before Him in His house. A time to ask for forgiveness and a time to ask God for help in forgiving. It was a time to be grateful. Yes, this moment was a gift! In the midst of my hurt over who did or didn’t see my situation, God said, He sees me.

I wish I could say I let go of all that hurt that day. I didn’t. But I will. Thankfully, God also offers me grace. I have begun the process of forgiveness not for the other person’s benefit, but for my own healing. Every day I make a choice.