Well it's been years since I've blogged.  YEARS.  But today feels like a good day to start again.  Writing is a way that I encourage myself while encouraging others.  At least that is my goal.
Awaiting God's Best started when we were waiting to adopt from China but God had other plans for us.
Now I find myself waiting again.  This time in quarantine with the gifts I had prayed for in years past.  Those gifts are loud and rambunctious and exhausting!

Our community is shut down due to this pandemic we are ALL experiencing.  And while most of my facebook posts will be full of "Look! This is a great idea!" and "Look!  This is what we're doing today." Today is not one of those days.  Today I am feeling the tightness in my chest.  I notice it when I take a breath and that breath hurts and requires work to draw the air in.  It's not so bad that I can't ignore it most of the time.  I know what it is even though I haven't voiced my concerns outloud nor entertained them in my own head.
Anxiety.
Yep, I know her well.  But she is not my friend.  She distracts me.  She focuses on what's wrong in my world instead of what's right.  She worries about things both real and imagined. She steals from me- time, energy, joy.
I do get to choose whether I listen to her.  And I do get to choose what to do when I'm feeling this way.  Today I forfeited outdoor activities with my family (which I LOVE) in exchange for some alone time (which I desperately NEED.)
The truth is I'm worried about the same things everyone else is worried about even if I haven't given it a voice. And I believe most of my concerns are valid.  But I will not allow them to rule me.
1.  I know God knows my first day on this earth as well as the last and I know He is with me every day in between.
2.  Even when life is scary and unpredictable, He is reassuring.  He is peace.  He knows the way because He IS the way.
3.  I choose to Trust Him.
So today I will get some sunshine, remind myself of what is TRUE and breathe. I will acknowledge how I'm feeling and then I will move forward.  It's ok to not have it all together at all times- even though I wish I did.
It's ok to be vulnerable- even though I'd rather not.
It's ok to find some alone time even though/especially since I'm surrounded by loud and rambunctious boys.
I will look back at this time as a treasured time even if some days are hard

Are we there yet?

"Are we there yet?"
It's the question I keep calling out from the backseat of my troubles.

Don't you ever wonder when you're going to get there, wherever 'there' is for you?
Aren't we all like the notorious backseat driver at times?
"God, turn here!" or "Hey, slow down!" Or "God, faster, we're going to be late!"
Our desire to control our destination overrules our trust in the driver's capabilities.
Or maybe we are sure of our destination but concerned about the route He's taking us?
We want to get there fast and He's taking the scenic route. We wanted the beach but we're spending time in the desert.
Or sometimes we get frustrated when our mode of transportation goes from a Maserati to a covered wagon or vice versa?
When our pace of life changes without warning and without permission, it takes some time to readjust.

I'm finding that the journey I'm on is right where God wants me.
All the sights I've seen, from the most majestic views to the dirtiest of pit stops, are all part of the ride.
Sure, I've created my own detours, but He uses those too.
I've learned to value the journey. Yes, all of it.
Knowing He's with me has made all the difference.
Pushing through some painful experiences has provided more faith, more confidence, more strength for the journey ahead.

So I ask you this, If life's supposed to be a journey, then is the ride itself our actual destination?
I truly believe so.
I can't get where I'm going without the process of getting there!
I believe God celebrates each step.
Grumbling from the backseat only results in one thing...
I believe God is forced to pull the car over and administer some discipline!

So, not only will I trust God with the destination, I'll also trust Him with the journey.
Who knows, maybe I'll even learn to roll down the windows, take my shoes off and turn up the radio!
I might as well enjoy the ride!

And just so you know, the answer to my question from earlier is...
"We'll get there when we get there!"

He is the God who sees!

As the wife of a pastor, going through difficult times can get even “trickier”.
My faith walk is certainly on display for all to see. My words, actions and emotions are there for others to observe whether that results in admiration or disdain. Due to this, it is difficult to allow myself to be transparent. I seem to be concerned about who sees.

Like everyone else, I battle with my own humanness. At times, struggling to submit my will to God’s will. Recently, my struggle has been with forgiveness and the emotions that occur when you hang on to an offense too long. For me, the temptation is to push it down and hope it goes away. That temptation is ignorant. I realize I must tackle this head on. Where does a person go when their flesh and spirit battle with one another? Of course God, but also it is usually to their church and other believers. I am not always able to share. This is because I am also concerned about who doesn’t see, or who ultimately doesn’t understand.

I happened to be visiting my sister out of town on Mother’s Day and was able to visit her church. I was hurting so badly that weekend still processing things in my mind. Mother’s Day sermons are typically about mothering, but not this one. Yes, it honored mothers but mostly it spoke to the heart of women. More specifically, it spoke to my heart as if the words were coming straight from the mouth of God. Being a fairly private person, I struggled to keep my composure as the tears fell during the sermon. The speaker’s message was about holding onto unforgiveness and bitterness. The words she spoke over and over were that “He is the God that sees you”.

You see, I felt isolated and alone. I needed to know that in spite of what others believed to be true about my situation, God knew what was true. What had been done to my family was wrong. It was unjust and unfair. As a Christian, I knew better than to try to return evil for evil, to gossip or seek revenge. My only option was to forgive and I hadn’t been ready to do that.

In this church, no one knew me or my story. When it came time to pray at the altar, I was the first one out of my seat. I did not hesitate or look around to see if anyone was going. The message that day had been so clear, so specifically for me. To not go forward would have only been due to pride and ultimately disobedience. No, this moment was a gift from God to me. It was a time to cry unashamedly before Him in His house. A time to ask for forgiveness and a time to ask God for help in forgiving. It was a time to be grateful. Yes, this moment was a gift! In the midst of my hurt over who did or didn’t see my situation, God said, He sees me.

I wish I could say I let go of all that hurt that day. I didn’t. But I will. Thankfully, God also offers me grace. I have begun the process of forgiveness not for the other person’s benefit, but for my own healing. Every day I make a choice.

Freedom

Freedom. Either you have it or you don’t. The very fact that I am able to write this column is a tribute to our country’s freedoms. So many men and women died for me to have just such an opportunity. It reminds me that someone else died for my freedom.

Yes, I believe Jesus died for my sins so that I might have eternal life. But he also came so that I could have life more abundantly. The abundant part is what I struggle with sometimes. Insecurities stop me from realizing I am free to be me. They keep me from stepping out to be the one God made me to be. Perfectionism prevents me from feeling free to make mistakes. Pride robs me of the ability to be free to grow and change and learn. All of these things act as little terrorists threatening my homeland security.

Add to that the hurts and the unfairness of life. There’s always that temptation to point fingers as opposed to trusting God to handle it. Perhaps the biggest freedom robber is unforgiveness. Just as our country’s adversaries have their own weapons and forms of attack, the enemy of my soul has his own set of destructive arsenal. I believe one of his favorite tactics is lies.

Sometimes the lie I hear is “I have a right to feel this way”. Then why do I feel like a slave? Obviously, it seems that having rights is not equal to experiencing freedom. One of the beauties of freedom is the presence of choices. I have a choice to let go of my “rights” and take hold of my inheritance. Christ already bought my freedom. I just simply have to receive what he offers.

I can’t think of a better life than one that is free. Although there are days that I must declare war, it is the victories that I will celebrate. I will remember the battles fought and won. I will not forget the price for my freedom. I will honor the one that paid that price. I will live a life that is abundant and free!

Self Talk vs. Godspeak

We all have little voices in our head. Mostly they're are own. :-) We talk to ourselves all day long. I mean, really, have you stopped to think about that? I don't mean the chanting of "a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread and a stick of butter" to help your memory in the grocery store. No, it's different than that. Do you ever say things like, "You idiot. You're so stupid. Why did you do that? You can't do this. You're never going to change!"

I just started homeschooling this week. Ohhh, I've been talkin' to myself a lot lately! I really prayed and asked the Lord for His direction in this. I could never make such a huge decision without the wave of His arm paving the way for me. I'm thankful I received that confirmation and can continue to rely on that even on days I feel like giving up. Yes, I'm only on day 3 and I've already had those thoughts! I hear thoughts like these: "You knew you couldn't do this. You want to be this kind of Mom but you're just not! You'll never have enough patience for this. This is never going to work."

And while it's true that I won't perform as perfectly as I'd like. I can still choose to walk in what I believe God has called me to do and cry out to him when what I'm doing is not enough. I must choose to follow up that negative self talk with a little Godspeak. God doesn't have any of those terrible things to say about me. While He knows that it is true that I may lack patience and self control some days, he still loves me. He has a plan for me. He doesn't give up on me. So maybe I won't give up on me either. I can strive to be the Mom my kids need. And I must realize that that may not look like what the mother next door looks like.

So the next time you're ticking off a list of all your shortcomings, follow it with something God would say about you- that you're fearfully and wonderfully made, that you were bought with a price, that you're the apple of his eye, that he will never leave you nor forsake you.

May His words set you free!

Next Newspaper Article

Unfortunately, I 've been a bit uninspired lately. Thus the lack of inspiring words on my part. However, I had to dig deep last week to whip out my next article for the KC Star which will run December 20. I'll give you a sneak peak if you promise not to tell anyone!

I saw an advertisement the other day for “maintenance free living”. Although I’m aware that the ad was directed toward seniors, I had to laugh at what I believe is quite a misnomer. Surely a place like that just doesn’t exist, not even in my white-haired future. My current, crazy life is far from effortless. My lengthy to-do list reflects all the items I must maintain. Presently, I must maintain my family’s schedule, my checkbook, my car, my health, even the highlight job on my hair. The level of maintenance varies along with the frequency of upkeep but it’s still there demanding attention from time to time. I certainly believe my life will always require maintenance no matter my age. This also includes maintaining my relationship and faith in God.
Faith can be one of those things that get lost in the shuffle. Life throws so many distractions our way. Those distractions can come in various forms, whether it’s devastating disappointments or hard earned successes. Even everyday life has a way of stealing our focus. We sometimes lose sight of what we’re living for. And just like our lawns and our to-do lists, our faith can quickly become neglected.
Another thing I know is that it is much easier to maintain something than it is to go back and fix something that has not been tended to. It is better to carefully protect and attend to the things we deem important as opposed to procrastinating and saving their upkeep for another day.
We have choices everyday. We choose to embrace or ignore opportunities countless times every hour that we’re awake. The decisions we make are quick, sometimes without thinking. We decide things big and small like spend or save, worry or trust, look someone in the eye or look away.
Maintenance free? I think that is better at describing home siding than it is living. Someday cooking, lawn care and snow removal may be something I am no longer responsible for. But maintaining my faith and my relationship with God must always be a priority.

Rapping with my homeboy

Today was a first. A first concert for my son.
Toby Mac to be exact.
E is growing up.
I couldn't help but watch the teenagers in front of us and wonder what it will be like when he is one. I want him to know that being a Christian doesn't have to be boring. We need to enjoy life every once in awhile. I felt a little bit like a kid myself tonight "rocking out" to bands such as Reliant K, b.reith, family force 5 and of course, Toby Mac. Funny, I actually know some of the words too!
I had so much fun! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! I really just wanted to sit and watch Ethan- watch his enjoyment in the evening. I remember enjoying watching my children's expressions at the circus or Elmo Live when they were seeing it for the first time. Watching my children take in new things is one of my greatest joys.

Although there are many firsts behind us, I realize there are many ahead for my growing boys. I hope I take the time to watch their faces.
I hope I stop to relish in those once in a lifetime moments.
I pray that raising my boys is more than reminding them to brush their teeth and fighting about getting homework done.
Life seems to blur out of focus when I'm stuck just taking care of daily chores.
It was nice to deter from the mondane and spend a whacked out evening with my son and his current love for rap music.
I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else!